I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
