just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
