Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
