drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
