yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
