Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
