I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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