dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
