once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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