OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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