Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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