this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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