I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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