can u get pink eye on your cock?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
