My sheets look like a crime scene.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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