my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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