why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
bring money and cleavage
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
