dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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