once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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