Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize