i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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