I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
