after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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