So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
