the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
