Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
