Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
