I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Randomize
