I faked an abortion last night.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize