i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
she told me i tasted like america
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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