I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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