The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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