No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
She needs sedatives and a leash
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
