i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
