:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Randomize
