Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
