a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
