I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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