you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
