The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
