just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
