The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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