R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
