I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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