i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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