Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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