I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
