My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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