it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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