Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
