i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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