i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
