No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
