you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
