Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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