Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
