I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
