Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
