it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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