I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
