At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
